The Father of the Bride

Don't Try This At Home...

Don’t Try This At Home...

This could well be the funniest Father of the Bride speech of all time, possibly not suitable for your own big day but it’s certainly one of our favourites.

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Ladies and gentlemen, and friends of my daughter. There comes a time in every wedding reception when the man who paid for the damn thing is allowed to speak a word or two of his own. And I would like to speak much as my wife just sang in the service that we’ve all just enjoyed (???) with no real notes. Primarily I would like to take this opportunity, pissed as I may be, to say a word or two about Martin.

As far as I'm concerned, my daughter could not have chosen a more delightful, charming, witty, responsible, wealthy, let's not deny it, well-placed, good-looking and fertile young man than Martin as her husband. And I therefore ask the question "Why the hell did she marry Gerald instead?"...

Because Gerald is the sort of man we used to describe at school as an utter spastic! If I may use a gardening simile here, if his entire family may be likened to a compost heap (and I think they can) then Gerald is the biggest weed growing out of it. Gerald is the sort of man people emigrate to avoid.

I remember the first time I met Gerald, I said to my wife (she's the lovely woman propping up that horrendous old drunk of a mother of his) either this man is suffering from serious brain damage or the new vacuum cleaners just arrived.

As for his family, they are quite simply the most intolerable herd of steaming social animals that I have ever had the misfortune of turning my nose up to. I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog. I would like to propose a toast...

To the caterers. And to the pigeon who crapped on the groom's family's limousine at the church.

As for the rest of you around this table not directly related to me, you can sod off. I wouldn't trust any of you to sit the right way on a toilet seat.

- Rowan Atkinson -


Worried about the spiralling cost of the wedding and the impending call from your bank manager inviting you in for a “little chat”? Well it could be worse. The most expensive marriage recorded was that of Sheik Rashid Bin Saeed Al Maktoum's son to Princess Salama in Dubai in May 1981. Not wanting to be outdone by a certain Charles and Diana who wed that year the Dubai wedding cost over £22 million and included a purpose-built stadium.